The apartment windows were wide open during the night. Awoke to the chill of a brisk fall morning. Summer has moved on and fall is settling in. The sky was endless blue, with streaky white clouds. Today is a quiet day, no doctors appointments or excessive errands to run.
We are finally getting caught up from our week in Texas. Our trip was great, our visit with family was wonderful. We did it the old fashion way. We took the bus. Amazing how people are still using the bus for travel. I remember riding the bus in 70's, how it stopped in each rural town in Wisconsin. Probable cost efficient to stop that often, travelers are fewer.
Texas, landscape is punctuated with oil wells. Pumping liquid gold, to feed our thirst for oil. There were in the parks, in backyards etc. Eastern Texas, the pines reached skyward, their needles littering the sandy soil beneath. Texas, is the holy grail for birding. Our exploring for birds was limited to their patio, city parks. Remarkably we were able to add three life birds. A return trip is indeed in order, to explore more of Texas.
These past thirteen months we have been in the valley. During these months my personal faith has grown deeper. The bitter anger that I carried for too many years, has been replaced with peace. That journey to find that peace, has been a long trek. I came to know the Lord, in the early 80's, the date escape me. I thought that once you believed something magical would happen. That your struggles in life would end. That never took place, I lacked the understanding of why it was not not possible. Those early years the struggles were there. The one thing I never did was to get out of the way, let God handle it. I always wanted to be in control, that my way was always best.
When things became the bleakest I blamed God, for it all. I turned my anger against God. My distance between God and myself became greater. I thought it was the Churches I was attending, we moved to different ones. Nothing became better. My anger, my resentment towards God, became so bitter. That I simply gave up on God, I let the enemy win. Without God in my life, my life spun out of control. Finally after being downsized out of of job of 25 years.
I threw in the towel, I claimed defeat. I left my marriage, my life of over 50 years to start over.
I put the Chicago skyline in my rear view mirror and headed south to the unknown.My destination was Fort Smith Arkansas. Not knowing what lay ed ahead. With no job prospects. I was bitter, I was angry. I found a job, five years later I realized that was mistake. In "05" a very special woman came into my life. As our relationship began to blossom, love unfolded. We began discussing our future together. Her faith was so very deep, her relationship with God, was so deep also. She told me that a man in her life would put God, first in his life. As she gave me her testimony about God, had worked in her life. I felt something in my heart, God was searching for me. On a rainy night
in April, I gave my life back to God. As we both cried so very hard, a peace came over in a way I never felt. As our relationship grew, our love grew deeper. We both had God in our lives. The journey was just beginning. We married in January "06"
Through her example, of how God, worked in her life. I began to understand what a joy it was to have God, in your life. I never once thought I could be forgiven by God. After the Devil, deserted left me all alone and stripped. The moment I asked God, back into my life. He came and seek ed me out, He, returned me to the flock. I was a lost lamb, a sinner, God, showed his love and mercy. As we settled in our new life together, we found a church. My faith and love for God, was growing. The church was like family from the first moment. It was unlike any church I had ever been in. I felt the spirit of God, move in me so powerfully. We became involved in the Community Rescue ministry, feeding the homeless each month.
September "09" I was fired from the worse job I had ever had. That summer I worked to the point of psychical exhaustion, mental exhaustion. The firing was personal. As I sat there listened to the lies, the false attempt to be friendly. My anger, temper were boiling. God, quelled the storm in me, whispering "You answer to a higher authority". I just sat there with peace.
The months that would unfold would be struggle. I was quickly denied unemployment. We had very little income coming in. God, was faithful to us and provided for us. There were no job interviews, from all the job applications. I had also applied for SS disability during this time. For the first time in my life I gave the control to God. I asked God for his help, I got out of his way to do his will. Yes, the months grew scarier with no job prospects. Little did we know that God was working on a solution. In January of this year we heard about my SS Disability, it had been approved. My first check arrived in April. My career was over the years of hard work were done. Our struggles were far from over.
We sold the newer car because we could not afford to repair it. We relyed on an older car for transportion. During these struggles and trials, my faith never wavered. My trust in God, only deepen, my understanding of God's love in my life grew. I began to seek and to learn more about God, His word. The older car decided to retire. We were faced with no vehicle or the the fiances to purchase one. We prayered to God, we believed that God, had the answer.
Friends loaned us a vehicle. We went to Texas, temporially put our problems on hold. Little did we know that our friends working on getting us a car.
We arrived back in Fort Smith, it was late, pouring rain. We got off the bus were greeted by our friends. They exclaimed we have a surpise for you both.
As they pointed to a green car. Our first words were when does it have to be returned. They said never it yours. Our little green car is the car God gave us.
God, is awesome.
In this past year I have experienced a faith that I never knew possible. I have thrist to learn about God. I am at peace with myself. Bitterness has been erased. I have slowly emerged from my shell. I know that when my back is to the wall, God will tear that wall done find a new direction.
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