Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to everyone.

Since the late seventies till recently, I have to work Christmas. In that span of years I lost the joy of Christmas, became a Grinch. It had become a day just like any other day. My daughter threw those years was confused and hurt.  She was confused because she did not understand why I choose to work, she was hurt because of my negative words. I regret that I took the joy of Christmas for my daughter. Like the Grinch who steals the Who's Christmas, I stole my daughter's Christmas.

After I had lost my Mom in eighties, my joy for Christmas was lost. It been fading in the years before. The death of my Mom iced the cake.  My Mother always made Christmas special. The piles of cookies and goodies that seem to be endless. The rich smells of from the kitchen . My Dad always picked the biggest possible, fullest tree, the freshest tree. It sat in a bucket of water in the garage  before coming into the house. The lights strung with precision, near perfection. Ornaments hung from each branch. The mantle lined with cards with Christmas wishes.  On Christmas morning we awoke to stockings overflowing hung on the mantle. Piles of perfectly wrapped presents under the tree. Three impatient boys eagerly awaiting to open the treasure. Not before Mom and Dad had coffee, Dad starting a fire. Sitting on the floor seeking out treasures that had our names on them. For me is opening the smallest package first, saving the biggest for last. The living room buried in mounds of wrapping paper.As the day went Grandparents would arrive and more gifts.The kitchen aromas of a turkey roasting, pies baking. Christmas dinner the table spread with food from end to the other. Pumpkin pie  with mounds of whipped  cream. Mother always made Christmas special. Both my mom and dad have passed, the Christmas memories, their love remain.

After my mom passed Christmas just felt empty. I was working in hospital food service, meals are served 365 days a year. The joy of Christmas faded through the years. I worked most every Christmas, year after year. Somewhere I began to put my job ahead of my family, I became a workaholic. I prefer working then celebrating Christmas. Christmas morning became a rushed event before going to work. My daughter was hurt, could not understand why. As she grew begin to understand more,the hurt deepen.  I look back on all I missed in those years, the joy I lost. The Grinch spirit harden me like stone. It became a time of argument as to why. It ruined my daughter's Christmas every year. It piled on to the pile of hurts. The Grinch stayed became more year around.   As the years passed it just became accepted that I would working. It became that way for other family celebrations.

My heart harden like stone, I was angry, mad most of the time. I was angry at God, blamed him for each of my mistakes failures. I pushed God away, the Devil being the great opportunist  he is saw a grand opening. His evil spread through my heart. When I thought the bottom had been reached, it too fell out. A job I had put my life into was pull out from me. Job opportunities were not there. My marriage had failed also. I decide to walk away from my life, start over. I went south to Arkansas. Again I had deeply hurt my daughter by my actions.

I found a job like other jobs I had I put myself into it. I found love, a love unlike any that ever felt. On a stormy night in April of 05, her love for God, lead me back  to God. I redicated my life to God. I asked for forgiveness for all the sins I had commited. Like a lost sheep God being the shepard is took me back into his flock. The hurt my daughter begin to ease. As my love for God grew, my faith deepen too. We were married that following Januray. The moments twe have shared have been so special. We found an amazing church.

The pattern of being a workalcoic was not broken. I poured five years into a job that physically, emtionally drained the life out of me. In the fall of of "09" is was over for good.
Unlike in the past I was not angry or bitter towards God. I felt a peace, a relief that it was over. It was that moment I amazed myself gave God control of my life for the first time. Me the control freak give it to God. While the months that followed were difficult my faith never wavered, my love for God never failed. God, blessings outpoured into our lives. Ever need we had was meet beyond our expecations. My faithfulness was exceed by God's faithfulness. Now as I am no longer working, on disability. Life has a new meaning.

This Christmas I approch with the giddy excitement of a kid. I realize that is not about the gifts, the tree, the decorations. It is about love, how you share love with others. God, shared his love by bringing his son into this world. His son had the humblest of beginings.
As fences of past hurts are mended, the joy, the meaning of this season  fill my soul.
Mary unwrapped the first gift, kissed the face of God. A gift that still changes lives today.
That gift has forever changed my own life. I have a happiness in life that I have not felt at this itenstity. Our tree will not be overflowing with gifts, it will be overflowing with love for God, each other. I praise God for his love, his forgiveness, his faithfulness, his overflowing blessings.
Merry Christmas.